Rape Prevention Gang – B Unit

Scene: “The B-Unit” — East Vancouver, Midnight Mass in the Alley

A flickering streetlight buzzes over a graffiti-tagged brick wall that reads “Mother Maria Protects East Van.” The Young Pope, Lenny Belardo, stands beside a group of tough, silver-haired women wearing bargain-store trench coats and rosaries like dog tags. Their shopping carts gleam like chariots under the moonlight.

Madonna steps out of a limousine, dressed in a white tracksuit with gold crosses, half-curious, half-defiant. She’s met by Mother Maria, a seventy-year-old with a cane wrapped in duct tape and a crucifix carved into the handle.

LENNY BELARDO (The Young Pope):
Madonna, this is B-Unit. “B” for Bargain. For Blessed. For Battle-tested.

(He holds up a pink GoGirl female urination device, the “Pee Buddy.”)

LENNY:
Every soldier needs her tools. Consider this your initiation gift. The world’s turned into a men’s washroom, Madonna. Time you learned to stand tall.

MADONNA (laughs):
You’re giving me a funnel, Holy Father?

LENNY:
A symbol. Of equality. Of defiance. Of… hydraulic freedom.

(The elderly women cheer, waving their discount-store bags like flags.)

MOTHER MARIA:
We ain’t scared of the hood no more, Your Holiness. We are the hood.

LENNY:
That’s right. Every hood’s the same now — East Van, Naples, Detroit, Rio. Every hood is dangerous. But danger fears unity.

(He looks over the women, their faces glowing in the pale streetlight.)

LENNY (softly):
Safety in numbers, my daughters. Safety in numbers.

MADONNA:
Then call me Sister M. I’m ready to serve.

(She raises the GoGirl like a chalice. The women chant “B-Unit! B-Unit!” as the Pope blesses them with holy water from a repurposed Mountain Dew bottle.)

Scene: “The Blessing of the Alley” — East Van, 2:00 AM

Rain slicks the cracked pavement of an alley behind Hastings Street. Neon signs buzz over pawnshops and noodle houses. A group of corrupt cops, led by Sergeant Rourke, leans against their cruiser, shaking down a frightened shopkeeper.

The B-Unit rolls in like a slow-moving army of shopping carts. Their leader, Mother Maria, carries her duct-taped cane like a staff. Behind her: Madonna, now wearing a black beret with a white cross stitched on it. The Young Pope, Lenny Belardo, watches from a church doorway, his hands clasped in quiet authority.

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SERGEANT ROURKE:
What’s this? Senior night at the soup kitchen? Move along, grannies.

MOTHER MARIA:
We don’t move for thieves in uniform, sonny.

(She bangs her cane on the wet ground — a thunderous sound for such a small stick.)

MADONNA:
You’re extorting a shopkeeper for protection money? That’s our job now. Holy protection.

Rourke laughs, flicks his cigarette into a puddle, and steps closer.

ROURKE:
You threatening the VPD, lady?

MADONNA (smirks):
No. I’m replacing it.

(With a quick motion, she opens her trench coat — revealing her Pee Buddy holstered like a sidearm. The other women do the same, revealing pepper spray, rosaries, and rolling pins wrapped in rosary beads.)

MOTHER MARIA:
You forgot who runs East Van now. B-Unit does.

(The women form a semicircle. Their carts are loaded with discount cleaning chemicals and jars labeled “Holy Water — Industrial Strength.”)

LENNY (from the shadows):
Blessed are the meek… for they shall inherit the block.

(He steps forward, wearing a rain-slick white cassock with a black hoodie underneath.)

LENNY:
Sergeant Rourke, you’ve had your turn policing this place for profit. Now we enforce God’s price — free grace and cheap groceries.

(He raises his hand. The rain suddenly feels like benediction. The cops hesitate, unnerved.)

MADONNA:
Go on, boys. Leave. We already filed your sins with Internal Affairs — and Saint Peter.

(The shopkeeper, trembling but grateful, hands Mother Maria a steaming bowl of noodles in thanks. The B-Unit cheers.)

MOTHER MARIA:
Alright girls — let’s get these groceries home before the next sinners show up.

(They march off down the alley, chanting softly, “Blessed are the broke, for theirs is the Kingdom of East Van.”)

LENNY (to Madonna):
You see? Power isn’t money. It’s mercy with muscle.

MADONNA:
Amen to that, Father. The streets are ours now — holy ground.

(Camera pans up to the cross on top of a nearby church, glowing faintly in the mist.)

Scene: “The Miracle of Mitochondria” — East Van Monastery, 3:33 AM

Inside a candle-lit former convent turned underground lab, The Young Pope, Lenny Belardo, stands before a group of reclining B-Unit women. The sound of rain outside fades into a quiet hum of divine electricity — as if the heavens themselves are charging the air.

Madonna sits beside Mother Maria, both dressed in their B-Unit uniforms — rosaries, trench coats, and sneakers. Tubes of glowing blue liquid pulse softly along the walls, connecting to a small altar made from recycled computer parts and a gold chalice filled with what looks like starlight.

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LENNY BELARDO:
My daughters… the world told you you were past your prime.
That your days of battle were done.
But I say — your mitochondria still remember Eden.

(He raises his hand, holding a vial labeled “T-33: Telomerase Divine.”)

LENNY:
Inside this serum lies the enzyme that rebuilds the ladder of your DNA — the Jacob’s Ladder of your cells.
It lengthens your telomeres — the holy ends of your chromosomes that the world has been fraying with time and toil.

(He pours a drop of the glowing serum into each woman’s teacup.)

MADONNA (half-grinning):
You sure this isn’t just Mountain Dew again, Father?

LENNY (smiling):
Faith, my child. Science is just faith measured with instruments.

(He takes the chalice and blesses it with a cross made of light projected from a cracked iPhone.)

LENNY:
Drink… and remember who you were before fear and fatigue.

(The B-Unit sips. For a moment, the room is silent. Then, one by one, their wrinkles soften. Gray fades to color. The sparkle returns to their eyes. A quiet gasp moves through the group — followed by laughter, wild and free.)

MOTHER MARIA (touching her face):
My God… I haven’t felt this alive since Expo ’86!

MADONNA (standing, glowing):
We’re not B-Unit anymore. We’re Re-Born Unit.

(The women begin dancing — slow at first, then spinning like a choir of resurrected saints. The Pope closes his eyes, letting the miracle unfold.)

LENNY (to himself):
If youth is wasted on the young… then let the wise reclaim it.

(He looks out the window toward East Van’s skyline, neon and holy mist intertwining.)

LENNY (softly):
They’ll need their strength soon. The Narcos of Nanaimo are coming.

(Cue music: a remixed hymn echoing through the streets — “Ave Maria” meets drum and bass. The B-Unit, thirty years young, stands ready for their next crusade.)