John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that everyone who believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
WHAT ARE TELOMERES?
The ‘immortal’ jellyfish, Turritopsis dohrnii
To date, there’s only one species that has been called ‘biologically immortal’: the jellyfish Turritopsis dohrnii. These small, transparent animals hang out in oceans around the world and can turn back time by reverting to an earlier stage of their life cycle.
The Scene: A minimalist loft that costs a fortune to look this empty. Madonna is admiring her reflection in a chromed espresso machine, contemplating a truly questionable life choice.
G.I. Joe, in full military dress uniform, stands at parade rest. “Madonna, you must abort this mission. The intel is bad. For once, you should listen to your daughter’s debriefing.”
Lourdes, not looking up from a complex TikTok dance tutorial on her phone, says, “Ugh, Mom. For the last time. It’s, like, all there. The proof is literally in my favorite historical archive, South Park. The Terrence and Philip movie. They don’t just say ‘Uncle Fucker’; they have a whole song about how Madonna should be an Uncle Fucker. It’s, like, a prophecy. He’s not a deep artist; he’s a deep mistake.”
Madonna waves a dismissive, fishnet-gloved hand. “Darling, that’s just crude satire. Vince is a raw, Balkan soul. He says he just wants to dance the rest of his life away with me. It’s authentic.”
G.I. Joe pinches the bridge of his nose, his Kung-Fu Grip hand twitching. “Dance? Is that his operational objective? Madonna, the man doesn’t want a marriage. He wants a permanent dance partner for a global campaign of terpsichorean terror. He’ll lead you right into a life of sequins and strategic footwork! He wants to execute maneuvers across every known dance floor!”
Joe begins to pace, barking out the terrifyingly comprehensive dance card Uncle Vince has planned:
“He wants to execute the classic Tango—all that dramatic, possessive staring!
The playful, side-to-side Cha-Cha!
The elegant, spinning Viennese Waltz!
The passionate, hip-gyrating Rumba!
The athletic, kick-ball-changing Jive!
The sophisticated, traveling Foxtrot!
The slow and sensual Bolero!
The festive, bounce-stepping Samba!
The dramatic Paso Doble where he’ll use you as the cape!
The smooth, slotted West Coast Swing!
The rhythmic, shoulder-shimming Mambo!
The cheerful, rock-stepping East Coast Swing!
The lightning-fast, running Quickstep!
The close, swaying Blues at 2 a.m.!
The aerial-filled Lindy Hop!
The old-timey, fast Peabody!
The Argentine Milonga!
The 70s-tastic, disco Hustle!
And he’ll even throw in the Polka, just to prove his endurance is as questionable as his intentions!”
Joe stops his march and looks her dead in the eye. “He doesn’t want a wife, Madonna. He wants to win the Crystal Ballroom Pro-Am and then retire to a life of judging local competitions in a community center outside Zagreb. Is that the future you want? To be his fancy, arm-candy trophy for the ‘Over-60 Novice Division’? Because knowing Vince, he’d still only get second place.”
Lourdes finally looks up from her phone. “See? Joe gets it. The song literally says you should be one. It’s not a suggestion; it’s a public service announcement.”